100 Breakups

wanted: perspective

So, you had all those plans with him.

You need some perspective. Not the “there’s people in the world dying everyday of starvation” or “there was this natural disaster that killed hundreds of thousands of people”, because although you should be thankful everyday that you’re alive, and have all these confortable things (I assume if you’re reading this you have at least a chair, a computer and a roof over your head) that doesn’t really make your pain better. However, you need perspective.

For example, I had all these plans with my last boyfriend. I had saved money, done lots of planning (us both, actually) and let those plans be a real extra motivation to work really hard and finish the only thing that was keeping us from doing those plans. I was so happy that I was done, and the day after I was done, he told me he had changed his mind about us. OUCH.

The thing is, people have the right to change their minds, you sometimes change your mind and it’s your right to do so. I appreciate that he was kind enough to wait until his decision wouldn’t harm my state of mind, as I was finishing what I had to. And I had to accept his reasons, and his doubts and the way his feelings had changed. Because although I am more of a fighter, and I would have stood by him way more than he did for me, I had to think that he wasn’t like that, and that because of it, he couldn’t be the one I was looking for. And I thought of the times that my own feelings had changed, and how sometimes you love that person, but you love yourself more and you know that it’s better if you end things. People know what’s best for them. You think you’re the best person he will ever find, that he was lucky to have you, and while that may be true, he made his choice. It will be him to deal with the consequences of what he lost, and there’s the possibility that he will never realize that. Repairing the damage this did on you is the only thing you should focus on.

I’ve had my share of breakups, and I’ve witnessed my friends’ breakups and I think I’ve had it much better than, for example, my friend who dated this guy for 8 years, would ride the bus so he could use her car to get to his college to finish his degree, sacrificed everything, and as soon as he got that degree, and got an amazing job, he dumped her, met this totally random girl and married her in less than a year. That right there would have been enough to feel her like a zero, but hey, I witnessed how she picked herself up and came out this amazing and better person. Granted, she made quite a few mistakes dealing with the situation, lowered herself even more trying to get him back (completely useless and hurt herself even more), but in the end, all was good and she was better for it.

You have to take confort in other things. You have to let your friends help you, let them in. You are like everyone else, in the sense that your hurt is the same as all hurt, your case is as special as other people’s, and if they could recover from a breakup and loss, you will too.

These things hurt but they happen because there’s something you have not learn yet, and try to learn it now, because it will be even more hellish the next time. Believe me, I’ve missed subtle warnings all my life, only to have to learn my stuff after hitting the thickest walls. Much worse then, but always, I’ve gotten out as better person.

Don’t bother trying to make him jealous, don’t bother trying to show him pieces of you he’s never seen(*), absolutely don’t go pick up some random guy while you’re in love with your ex, in the end, you’ll feel like crap.

He may regret it, may decide to go back, but the thing is, real change takes time, and one that is good for you will take more than just a few days or a couple of weeks. It’s normal that he’ll miss you, you get used to people’s company, but that doesn’t mean that he loves you. Being used to and to love are different things.

You need to get real and really think about your relationship. Really think if you were that happy, if he loved you as much as you think you should be loved or if you loved him as much as you thought. If you liked him, or the idea you made of him.

So you had all those plans, and it’s over. Time to make new ones.

recipe #2

You’ll need:

1 shower
1 lufa
1 dose of delicious smelling shower gel
1 dose shampoo and conditioner
1 towel

How to do it:

Not just when I’ve just broken up, but in all of the times I feel like crap, I find a shower to be the closest you can do to a rebirth. So when you’re crying your eyes out, nothing like a “let it rain on me”(*) moment to let it all out. You’ll need to just put yourself under the shower and let the water get you soaking wet from hair to toes. Meanwhile you will be crying profusely, doing a bit of that “feeling sorry for yourself” thing. No one’s watching you, no one can hear you, no one will judge you, do whatever you feel like. Shower normally, with a few breaks to lean on the shower wall when that special memory and how you won’t do it again hits you. Don’t be too long, you’re in pain, but let’s not kill the planet over it.

Now look yourself in the mirror. Damn, you are beautiful and that’s what he’s going to be missing (tough luck!). Dress up for yourself, it will make you feel good, and go out and go see the world, do an effort, specially when you really don’t feel like it.

Do it for yourself, and you can do no wrong.

recipe #1

You’ll need:

1 Fiona Apple’s “When the Pawn…” cd
1 set of headphones
1 bed
1 extra fluffy big pillow
1 pack of tissues (optional, as the pillow will catch all your tears anyway)

How to do it:

When you’ve just learned that you’ve been dumped, laying in bed, holding on to your pillow, with Fiona Apple’s second album on your headphones, goes a long way. Face it, you are hurt. Whether or not you realize (now) this breakup was for the best, and you will, right now your world and your plans and your future have been destroyed. You deserve this time to feel sorry for yourself and cry. More than deserve, you need it.

Depending on how much you loved him, how much you expected this or didn’t, and how many times you’ve done this “breakup” thing, you’ll need to stay like this for a longer or shorter time. Take your time, don’t rush it.

This Fiona Apple cd is amazing (buy it and thank me later), I have it rated pretty much five stars on my iTunes (similar to her other two albums) and when you’re dealing with a breakup (even if you’re not), it’s the perfect soundtrack, many times you’ll find yourself relating to the clever lyrics she’s singing, as she had access to your relationship years in advance and knows what you went through. Let’s be honest, in the very basics, breakups and the bad (and good) in relationships gets to be very similar, although we always want to insist that your case is special — it’s not.

You’ll want to get a bit angry, and say it’s not fair, but right now cry — you will get weaker before you get stronger. Fiona will cover those emotions very well, you’ll relate, and you’ll be dealing with your stuff while you do it.

ps - You’ll be ok.